


Without You

by HeatherHoneybun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, F/M, Healing, Kid Fic, M/M, Multi, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus gets to be the dad canon doesn't let him be, Single Parent AU, Single Parent Remus Lupin, Tonks and Sirius are both gone but it's okay, ish, the first part is more about Tonks / the second is more about Sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-10 18:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13507341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeatherHoneybun/pseuds/HeatherHoneybun
Summary: Remus, the last surviving Muarder, lives his life from moment to moment for Teddy; The wizarding war has taken both Sirius and Dora from him, making every day harder. Remus isn't sure if his memories of them are enough for him and his growing son...This is a short, sweet fic about finding comfort in memories.





	1. June 1998

The summer air blew in Remus's face, picking up the locks of his unwashed hair, and he had the sudden, vivid memory of riding bitch on Sirius's motorbike; His arms were wrapped around Sirius's waist, his fingers clutching the leather jacket Sirius liked to wear half open because James had once said it made Sirius's waist look smaller.

Remus hadn't showered in a week. The humidity that came with the season was usually irritating to him, but as day faded into chilly evening, the moisture felt better on his itchy skin. It was a night before June's full moon and already Remus's body was starting to stretch and ache, and his mind was becoming obnoxiously hyperaware.

Teddy didn't seem much in a better state, though the infant had had three baths today. Remus's fussing had proven overzealous and now his son's skin was blotchy with pink patches and he squirmed in Remus's arms to try to get away from them. Remus was beyond thankful that Teddy was mostly quiet, both for the sake of his now too sensitive ears and his pride, should a stranger stop him to check on the baby he carried.

"I know, I know, I should have taken the car," he whispered, but even as the words slipped from his mouth, Remus knew he wouldn't have been able to focus well enough to drive. In their fifth year at Hogwarts, Peter had found a spell that helped Remus block out sounds when it was close to the full moon, but after years of Wolf's Bane potion and safe transformations, Remus had forgotten the incantation. He couldn't remember the incantation that Dora had used for the straps on Teddy's car seat, either, and Remus was already running late by the time they had left. The flat had been clean in May, but somehow it had become a whirled mess of soggy tissues, stacked diapers, baby toys marked with glittering gold W's, owl feathers, and both wizarding and muggle newspapers.

Remus took a heavy breath, his lungs clogging with fresh memory. "We're almost to Grandma's now, I promise,"

Andromeda Tonks's hair, once a wild collection of dark, untamed curls, had become limp and gray since her only child's passing. She had initially screamed at Remus, blaming him for her death, and Remus had had to beg to have Teddy returned to his arms. He couldn't blame her. For the most part, he had agreed with Dora's mother. If Remus's guilt had the final say he might have left Teddy with her, away from himself and the Wolf, but when it mattered most, Remus had stood his ground. After two days of bickering, crying, and holding each other half asleep on the couch, Andromeda was too tired to fight Remus any more, and he brought Teddy back to the flat he and Dora had spent most of their short marriage.

Teddy didn't have a crib there; the one nice thing about working for the Order meant that both Remus and Nymphadora could be flexible with Teddy's naps when they were home, so they would get on their bed and face each other, Teddy nestled between their chests. Sometimes they would talk softly about nothing important, occasionally they would sleep, but usually the pair laid in silence, watching the gentle rise and fall of their son's tiny body as he breathed.

One broken silence struck into Remus's ears, as if he had just spoken the words anew. "Dora, dear?"

Tonks didn't look at him, too busy tracing patterns onto Teddy's skin with her fingers. "Hmm?"

"How long will it be until his legs straighten out?"

"Don't rush it," she whispered, as if it were any day in late April. The rain that tapped on their windows washed away the war that had sprung up around them, but Remus's unease continued to bubble to the surface.

He swallowed hard in hopes of calming the fears in his stomach. "Dora, what if--"

"He's bowlegged?" she cut him off, having by now heard all of Remus's worries, and she moved to tuck the edges of Teddy's swaddling back under him. When she finished, she leaned over to kiss her husband. "Remus," she cooed against his lips, their skin still barely touching. "He could sprout a whole coat of fur right now and he would still be perfect."

"But what if he's--"

"Remus,"

"I'm just worried that--"

She gave him another kiss, this time quieting him. "He isn't, Remus. He's perfect, just like you."

The sound of gentle kisses melted into the song of the rain, broken at long last by ease and sleepiness.

"What would I do without you, Dora?"

She hummed as she resettled on her pillow, her eyes having drifted back to their perfect baby. "Go bankrupt, probably,"

"Oh, very funny,"

Nymphadora smiled. "I am, honey, thanks for noticing." But when Remus didn't smile back, she reached over to give his shoulder a little push. "Come on, you've mooched off Black family money enough that it shouldn't bother you now."

Remus took a breath, but opted to settle, too. The more comfortable Dora looked, the more tempting sleep sounded. "I'd still like to make something better for him,"

"I know you do," and her voice was sympathetic, but calm. "And you will, and I'll be with you every step of the way."

This time Remus did smile. "Even the scary ones?"

Dora reached for Remus's hand. Fingers folded together, she squeezed him before placing both of their hands back on Teddy's chest. " _Especially_ the scary ones,"

Remus found himself standing on his mother in law’s front step, staring at the door as Teddy squirmed. He was getting tired, and so was Remus. He took a deep breath; He had rehearsed all the things he had wanted to say to Andromeda, a thousand ways to say ‘thank you’ and ‘you have no idea how much this means to us,’ but now everything had escaped him. Remus tried to take a step backwards to collect himself, but nearly slipped off the step entirely.

It took a stumble, a misstep, and a swear, but Remus regained his footing, Teddy held tightly against his chest. All at once there had been terror, and then just as suddenly, there was nothing. The adrenaline that had spiked suddenly settled, and then its weight oozed its way down Remus’s body to leak out of his shoes. In the wake of his relief, Remus nearly fell a second time.

“Oh,” he heaved, feeling thrice his age.

“Shhhhhhit.” That was a little better. From somewhere long gone, he could hear Lily scolding James for swearing in front of the baby.

_What would you think of me now, Prongs?_

Taking another deep breath, Remus turned back to the door he was still too afraid to answer. What things would she say to him this time? What picture of Dora would he see that he hadn’t noticed before?

He tried to look through the frosted glass of the door, but the only image that focused was the reflection of a man he wouldn’t have recognized a mere four weeks ago. The curls of his hair were matted with unwashed sweat and oils, his beard was becoming overgrown. The scars across his face were irritated and bright against the rest of his skin, which was peeling away in flakes. On his neck there was a bruise, still dark from a fight with a Death Eater that he couldn’t entirely remember…

Spells were shouted so loudly that Remus was sure he had gone hoarse, but somehow he had kept screaming them. Bricks that he had traced his hands over as a child suddenly crumbled into discarded rubble around him. The smells of blood and ash had flooded his senses to the point where he knew nothing else. Dora had been beside him, then Kingsley, then neither of them, and then Dora…

Remus had started to tremble, though his reflection wouldn’t let him go.

Suddenly the door opened, and the wolf in the glass disappeared and was replaced with Andromeda Tonks. She looked as tired as Remus felt, but she managed a smile. It was the same as Dora’s: Subtle, soft, and yet still so genuine. But she didn’t have eyes for Remus. Her gaze was locked onto Teddy, who had turned to look at the noise. “How have you been, my little Eddie-Teddy?”

Remus tried to smile back, though the effort was taxing. “He’s been missing his mother, just like the rest of us,”

Andromeda flicked her eyes to Remus’s, as if she was surprised that he was standing there, but then deflated. “I told her not to go.”

“So did I.”

“Hm.” She reached for Teddy, and Remus handed him to her without hesitation. At once her smile returned. “With any luck, you won’t be quite as stubborn,”

Remus’s fake smile suddenly became a little easier; somehow he knew the statement would prove itself to be a jinx in a few years’ time, but for now, Remus didn’t want to think about the far future. The upcoming few tomorrows would be hard enough to endure.

“I’ll pick him up on Thursday.”

“I won’t expect you before supper, you know. I’ve got to make sure this little one eats.”

“So do I.” He paused. He had wanted to pick Teddy up sooner, but he didn’t want to argue. “Okay. After supper, on Thursday, then,”

Andromeda nodded, and without another word, turned into her house, shut the door, and left Remus alone on the front step, staring back into his own tired eyes.


	2. August 2015

"I can't believe you'll be an adult when you come home." Remus was tired; the full moon had passed, but the Wolf had left him four new gashes on his left forearm that demanded more attention than his teenager.

Teddy just rolled his eyes. He had made them a brassy color today, making his exasperation more dramatic. "Dad, I’ve basically been an adult. Don't get too sentimental, please,"

A smile flickered onto Remus's face. "When did you become so sick of sentimentals?"

"Yesterday."

"Well, I can't believe that." Even if Remus could, he wouldn't. Teddy had spent the last six years attending Hogwarts, leaving Remus to wonder how much more he would see his son after his graduation. He couldn't expect Teddy to want to live with him or his grandmother after the school year, which opened up a whole new set of fears: Would he live alone, or with friends? Would he know how to prepare himself a meal or do his laundry?

Teddy was pacing up and down the hallway. Remus had made a pot of tea to coax him from his room, but the distraction of packing was proving to be difficult competition for Remus's attention. "Better believe it, Pops, feelings are fading out,"

"Fading as much as your hair color, maybe, and blue's a _very_ sentimental color,"

"Dad, _pleeeaaaase_ ,"

"I still can't imagine it's a popular color during Quidditch games, though, especially not-"

"Not against Ravenclaw," Teddy finished for him. "I _know_ , Dad,"

Remus hid his smile behind his mug. He couldn't remember saying the phrase before, but Teddy's memory was sharper than Remus's these days.

"Hey," Teddy had stopped in the hallway, looking at a collection if pictures they had pinned up the summer before. Usually Remus moved every eight months or so, to keep his condition better hidden, but for Teddy's last couple years at Hogwarts Remus has made their flat a little more permanent. "I don't think I've seen this one of you and Sirius before,"

"Oh," Remus knew exactly which picture he meant. He set his tea back on the table, then lifted it again to gently place the warm cup on his bandaged forearm. "I just found it while you were at your grandmother's. I... I forgot I put it up."

Remus could hear the rustle of photo paper, and assumed that to mean that Teddy was holding the edges of the photograph to look at it better.

Teddy had a treasure he thought was a well-kept secret: His first year at Hogwarts, he had taken with him a photograph of Remus and Dora, one of the few that had managed to be taken of them together, found with a few other photographs when Harry and his friends had picked up 12 Grimmold Place and sifted through the stray belongings of Sirius Black and other members of the Order. Remus thought you could barely tell who it was, the photo seemed so armature. The edges had been eaten by insects hoping for a nibble and there seemed to be a permanent layer of unmovable dust from its years of abandonment, muting every color. Still, Nymphadora's signature hair was enough of an identifier for both of them.

Remus pretended not to know about Teddy's thievery. It wasn't a picture he would miss, and if it offered any kind of connection with his mother, Teddy was allowed to keep it.

"Wasn't Sirius usually with James...?"

His son's voice snapped Remus back to the present, and he cleared his throat to help choke down any emotions that might surface. "James and Sirius were best friends, yes. Sirius was Harry's godfather, you remember,"

"I remember," Teddy frowned, and Remus wondered how often James II boasted about his heritage. "But... this is _you_ ,"

"Glad to know that I look better than James,"

"He's dead, I would _hope_ you look better than him."

Remus cringed, and told himself it was because of the tea becoming too hot on his arm, so he moved it back to the table. In its absence, he suddenly felt cold.

"So, Dad… How old are you in this one?"

The photo was a clear in Remus's head. He and Sirius were sitting on a sofa with brass buttons that looked like dragon eyes. It was uncomfortable when it was James's newest impulse buy, but years of being stationed in James's and Sirius's first flat had beaten into moderately tolerable submission. It had survived dog teeth, hoof kicks, more than a few sexual encounters, and heavens only knew what else, but Remus got the feeling it would have made his mother faint if she knew.

"I can't believe you're keeping that ugly thing," Remus teased Sirius as he sat a few cardboard boxes on it.

Sirius just rolled his eyes and slid another box down the hall with his foot. "I never thought you of all people would complain about free furniture, Moony,"

Remus and James had just turned 19, and while Sirius would have been content to keep his closest friend as his roommate, he and Lily simply couldn't seem to share him. The couple had recently become engaged, their wedding date moved closer for the sake of James's ailing parents, which left Sirius home alone far more often than he'd like.

For Remus, who had just quit another job after a terrifying four months at the same place, it was an opportunity for cheap living. “Yeah, well, I don’t intend to stay for too long,”

Sirius’s head snapped up. “You could,” He paused, then, “Moons, you _do_ know that you _could_ , right?”

“And what, stay forever?”

“I mean… Yeah,” Sirius’s face was cracking into a smile that Remus knew all too well; that was the face of a scheme in the works. “Yeah, why _not_ forever? We did it in school, it will be just like then,”

_Except it wouldn’t be, not at all._

“Pads, you know why I can’t stay,” Remus had successfully avoided the werewolf registry his whole life, and very much intended to keep his condition protected. The cost of jumping from place to place and job to job was worth being safe from mad ministry men who thought they knew better.

Sirius took a deep breath. “Remus,”

“I know.”

“No, you… You don’t get it.”

“I know.”

Sirius set his jaw. “No, Moons, you _don’t_ know. For _once_ , you don’t know.”

Remus moved to sit on the sofa, which he immediately regretted as one of the brass eyes stuck out against his spine. For the sake of their conversation, Remus ignored the discomfort. “Tell me, then,”

“Damnit, Moons,” Sirius pushed some hair out of his face, making a couple curled locks tumble over one shoulder. His skin wasn’t quite as tan as it was in school and Remus could see the color flushing up to Sirius’s cheeks. “You haven’t been here three hours, and this is already happening,”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Fuck no,”

“Then you need to talk to me, Padfoot,”

“I…” Sirius’s next breath was even longer, and he blinked several times. “I miss you, damn it,”

“I know you do,”

“ _Stop_ saying that you know, because you don’t, Remus,” Sirius’s voice was becoming stronger, more frustrated.

Remus leaned back against the sofa, brass buttons be damned. As if moving day couldn’t be any more stressful, here was Sirius complicating things. “I _do_ know, Pads.”

“Rem—”

“I know because I miss it, too. I miss…” he trailed off. It suddenly occurred to Remus that he wasn’t sure where he was going with this sentence. He folded his hands in his lap, tracing the scars on the back of his hands and letting his nails catch on the newest chip in his nail polish. “I miss everything.”

The apartment was filled with a deafening silence that was monitored only by the muffled ticking of Remus’s lunar semitometer. He had wrapped its pendulums in both newspaper and bubble wrap to keep it from breaking in transit, but the self-calibrating charm on it was to stubborn to be removed before packing.

At length, Sirius broke the silence. “Then…?”

Remus wasn’t sure exactly what his answer needed to be, but he had the sudden impression that whatever answer he gave would be the wrong one. “I really don’t know, Sirius.”

“Can…” Sirius’s voice quavered a bit, tumbling over his words with his newfound information. “Could we pick up where we left off?”

It hadn’t been the first time the thought had run across Remus’s mind. In fact, he was quite fond of the idea, but it terrified him; Remus had ended their romantic endeavors towards the end of their 7th and final year at Hogwarts for what, at the time, he thought were good reasons. _I need to be independent_ , he told himself. _I don’t want to live off of my friends forever._

“Think about it, Moonpie,” Sirius was starting to smile again, and he heavily sat himself next to Remus on the sofa. Remus cringed at the old pet name, but Sirius didn’t notice. He must have been unaffected by the couch’s discomfort, too, because he continued excitedly, “Giggly sleepovers, making Bertie Bot’s Bean breakfasts, Exploding Snap games with _extra_ consequences, sharing chocolate, not-so-giggly sleepovers…”

“As if I would share chocolate,”

“Exactly, we’re _just_ where we left off!”

Sirius’s attitude was starting to become infectious, and despite himself Remus started to smile. He still hadn’t become independent; He knew that Sirius and James both slipped their extra coins into the kitchen drawers or between seat cousins when they thought Remus hadn’t been looking, but Remus had proven that he could hold down a job for as long as he could at a time. He had found safe places for his transformations, and even afforded a couple runs of Wolf’s Bane here and there, which made things exceptionally more bearable.

Sirius put a hand on Remus’s knee, demanding his attention. Golden hues met silver pools, and there they stayed for a minute, then two.

“What was the best part about Hogwarts, Moony?”

Remus knew the answer immediately, and though he knew that Sirius knew it, too, he answered obediently, “The Marauders,”

“And you’ve got the best one, right here next to you. It could be you and me against the world, Remus. You, and me.” He paused, then chuckled, “And James and Peter, if they don’t marry away from us too soon,”

This broke what was left of Remus’s hesitance, and he laughed. He laughed his first genuine laugh in well over a year and a half. He had missed this, and he needed it. “As if Peter could ever marry someone! Shit…” He caught a breath, and immediately spent it: “What would I do without you, Sirius?”

Sirius was laughing, too, his hand squeezing Remus’s thigh as the pair of them leaned against the hellish excuse of a sofa. At length, Sirius managed, “Who the fuck knows, but you better find a replacement for me quick,”

“Easy. I’ll get a fucking dog, and the Wolf won’t even know the difference.”

“You ass,”

Teddy’s voice shook Remus from the memories of the kisses that followed. "Dad? Come _oooon_ , tell me when this was!"

Remus chuckled to himself. He saw his own flaws in Teddy, but he more than made up for it with how many good traits had been passed from father to son. "That was when we were…” Remus paused, wanting to be truthful without hurting Teddy’s image of him.

 _But I suppose…_ Remus lingered a moment more on the thought. _I’ve told him everything about Dora… Is it that different?_

He took a breath. “We were together, Sirius, and I,”

For a moment Teddy didn’t say anything, making Remus’s heart beat five miles a minute. Then, the sound of shuffling paper, and Teddy reappeared in the kitchen with his hands in his pockets. As he sat down in front of his tea, he said, “I… I didn’t know that. Was it… Were you serious about it?”

Remus looked across the table to a candy colored copy of his seventeen year old self. “We would have married, in a different time."

"...Really?”

“I think so.”

Teddy shifted in his chair and eyed his tea. “So… What was he like?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember reading a h/c on tumblr about Remus wearing nail polish as a symbol for a physical aspect of his body that he had control over; If I find it, I'll link it in here, but I liked it, so it made it in!
> 
> Also, Remus’s lunar semitometer is a totally made up thing, but I imagine it's this silver and steel mechanism about the size of a mantle clock. Trying to stay true to JKR's world, 'lunar' is Latin for moon, and 'semita' is Latin for track. Don't ask me exactly what it does or how it works; Remus has to keep a lot better track of the moon than I do.
> 
> Anyway, that's all for my initial concept of this fic (and my first on this site!) so... that's that! If you want more chapters or a spin-off of this or something let me know because I have a LOT of feelings about these HP boys (and girls)

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: I initially intended this to be a two-shot, but a third chapter/epilogue will be added shortly. Stay tuned!


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